Important note: Information in this article was accurate in 2005. The state of the art may have changed since the publication date.
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Washington Blade - February 4, 2005
Johanna Lunglhoffer
IN EDITOR ANDREW R. GOTTLIEB'S latest book, "Side by Side: On Having a Gay Sibling," 18 men and women write about discovering that one or more of their siblings is gay. Almost without exception, the authors express happiness and gratitude that their brothers and sisters came out to them.
Indeed, everything almost always works out in the end, painting what perhaps is an unrealistically optimistic picture.
"A typical, Midwestern, heterosexual male, I thought being gay meant you had to be effeminate, wear leotards, or teach aerobics," confesses Tom Nelson in his essay, "A Lesson Learned," about having a gay brother.
"A tear fell on my pillow that night, the only one I will ever shed for my brother's homosexuality," he adds. "Not that I don't care. I do. But when I imagine Dan fighting the fire hose or those plaid-shirted bigots of discrimination as a fearless leader championing equality, the sadness inevitably stops and becomes admiration."
Gottlieb is a clinical supervisor at the Children's Aid Society-Persons in Need of Supervision (PINS) Diversion Program in New York. He also serves on the "Journal for GLBT Studies" editorial board.
His other books include "Out of the Twilight: Fathers of Gay Men Speak" and "Sons Talk About Their Gay Fathers: Life Curves."
THE FIRST 10 CHAPTERS of "Side by Side" examine what it's like to have a gay brother. The subsequent seven explore the contributors' relationships with their lesbian sisters. The last chapter looks at one man's experience with both.
Most of the writers recall being surprised, even shocked, by their siblings' disclosures. A few, on the contrary, claimed they saw it coming.
Generally speaking, the younger authors reported being more accepting initially than their older counterparts. Religion, not surprisingly, also created its share of rifts. Those authors who felt angry to begin with, though, didn't stay angry for long; and those who were confused eventually got over it.
For the most part, "Side by Side" is an anthology of happily-ever-afters. There are, of course, a few notable exceptions.
In "Missing Pieces," author Erin Michael Starr becomes close to a gay brother she didn't know she had until early adulthood. As Starr and her brother, John, spend time together, they discover that in addition to their similar eyes, they also have similar taste in men.
"I wished that I had Greg Brady for a brother, someone with whom I could talk and who was supportive of my interests," Starr writes. "One day my wish came true."
Unfortunately, Starr's mother sees things differently. She never reunites with her son, and never learns about his HIV-positive status.
Starr's other siblings share the mother's perspective. Although John is otherwise in very good health, Starr struggles to control her panicked thoughts of his impending death.
Several of the authors in "Side by Side" are gay themselves. They recall worrying that their siblings' comings-out might be more disruptive than their own, or vice versa.
In her essay, "There & Back," for example, Amber Hannah Love recalls feeling pressure to be the straight child her lesbian moms and gay brother had long assumed she was.
"I did not want to come out fully and thus further complicate my family's life," Love writes. "I was the straight, supportive, feminist daughter/sister."
Love's essay, like several others in the book, highlights the psychological burdens of being in the closet and having to deal with bigotry. It's a sober reminder.
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